Jumping over a hurdle, that is 10ft tall.

Anxiety is like running a 100m hurdle race, you've seen all the pro's do it in the Olympics right? 

Anxiety reminds me of this because you see some of the athletes who no matter how hard they train and try to master the technique, there always seems to be one who seems to knock down at least one hurdle. Some then manage to get up and continue to finish the race. And hats off to these people, because you get some athletes who are able to jump over every single hurdle perfectly, some of them have mastered the technique perfectly. 

Cadbury's Creme Eggs 'Hurdles' on Vimeo

Anxiety puts up lots of hurdles in peoples life, not just when you have an important exam or are meeting a date for the first time. That would be easier if that were the case. No, anxiety can make everyday life become full of hurdles. It can make activities that you know you will enjoy a hurdle, it can prevent you from wanting to go out, it can make you say and do things that you don't want to. It is almost like you become two people. Your normal happy self, who sees positively and then your anxious uptight dark side. 

I have been trying to overcome my anxiety by completing lots of challenges. I was told that you have to feel the anxiety in a feared or challenging situation to be able to overcome it, by feeling it you know that after you were fine and can keep pushing yourself. This technique seems to have been working for me. I have been jumping over the hurdles fairly well and steadily. But this morning, I faced my biggest challenge. 

I had previously completed a lot of voluntary work with animals, it had always been a good past time for me and something I felt rewarding and fun. Since moving house and feeling even more anxious, I had stopped looking for things to do, out of fear of failing. But I decided to sign myself up to volunteer at an animal place about 30minutes away. I knew it was going to be hard as I'd never been to that side of town, I'd never done the bus route, never seen the place. I had lots of thoughts and unanswered questions flying round my head. This morning I was supposed to be going for 10AM to have my first day volunteering. The hurdle came up, looking like it was 10ft tall and I nearly walked straight into it. I told myself I had to be able to jump over it and conquer the fear of the unknown. I told my mum I wasn't going to let the anxiety win. And so I took the steps I saw fit, to get myself there. Job done, onto the next hurdle.

“A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on.” 
― C.S. Lewis

The London Eye, my future.

My biggest struggle with anxiety is the constant 'What if' questions, the daily struggle of living with uncertainty, feeling like I need to know what is going to happen, about everything. I doubt many people will actually understand how it feels to go through this frustrating process day in day out to such an extent. I also bet they won't understand how hard I try to not do it. But it happens, it is me... So we just move on. Or do we?

My mind is the London Eye, it is constantly going round in a circle, a viscous circle. 'What if this happens, what if this doesn't happen, what if someone says this, what if I don't do well, what if no one likes me, what if I don't become successful, what if there's no way out. Why can't I know what is going to happen this week, this month, this year, in 10 years, why can't people tell me there plans, why don't people make plans!?' (You get the idea?) This cycle is one that needs to be broken. I need to break one of the joins in the structure, to stop myself from NEEDING to know everything about the future. Sometimes I wish I could just 'go with the flow' seems like it would be an easier slightly more stress free life. 

All I want for my future, is like everyone else, to be happy and successful. I want to be able to change myself back to the old 'me' so that I can begin to enjoy activities, get a job, feel worth, have independence and to also be able to support my partner in his choices. I want to break this London Eye.

My main reason for getting better, is my boyfriend. 

“Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit.”  Kahlil Gibran

The 'good' egg

I will never forget a certain teacher from college, who gave me the nickname 'good egg' and used to write, well done good egg on my finished assignments. 

Looking back it's funny to think that everything I'm doing is relating to eggs. Eggs can be made into a number of weird and wonderful things. Whether it be fried, boiled or scrambled to eat or boiled for an egg and spoon race even for drawing and making faces on. There uses are very varied!

To me, I like to think as eggs like humans. They are all made the same, laid by a hen. But they will have different roles. To be eaten, dropped, painted etc. When they are laid, they don't know what role they will serve, like a human. We learn, adjust and adapt to become our own person (Okay, perhaps eggs don't do that but you get the idea?), sometimes we get a little crack and have to pick ourselves up, sometimes we learn that in fact we've taken the wrong path. But no matter what, each egg, each human, is an individual. 

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is, Never judge an egg by it's shell. 

Another strange egg...

Courtesy of fookinfunny.com

Life is like a test, one I'm failing at.

Keeping yourself positive and happy while living with mental health problems can be a massive challenge. I feel like I'm constantly being tested and right now I'm failing unless I change.

A+ = Doing things right, feeling happy a lot more, having good relationships that are strong, taking every step possible to beat it.
C = Doing most things right, having good and bad days, feeling you can beat it but not taking full action.
E = Failing. Struggling. Giving up. Losing battle.

I want to be an A+ in life, but right now I'm somewhere between E and C. People always say that 'accepting you have a problem is the hardest and biggest step' but to me, or at least for me, it's the next couple steps. Asking for help and maintaining this help. Your always bound to have down days, every human does it's natural. But it's finding a balance. Finding something that works for you.

I often worry that I'll never find this balance, that the negative thoughts in my head will continue to win. Thankfully, and I'm not sure how he will feel about being mentioned, but I have a very strong support network. Especially from my supportive boyfriend who deserves a medal for putting up with me. Know I'm proud of you.

'No great mind ever existed without a touch of madness' Aristotle

No words are needed, sometimes.

I cannot remember where I found this picture, but when I did I felt it was a perfect way to say how I feel a lot of the time.

From an unknown source, likely a Facebook page?

The tree, the berries and the bird...

A tree, with red berries and a chirping robin. Imagine it.

I was awake at 3AM this morning and found myself quickly typing out this idea on my iPhone 'notes.' 

It all starts off with a tree, full of lush green leaves, and bright red berries. Along comes a bird and eats some of the berries. But theres always a few that just get left to shrivel up and die. 

To me this all connected to my thoughts (strangely). The tree was my head, the berries are my thoughts, emotions and worries and the bird is like a friend or technique. Let me explain my mad and crazy idea clearer...I can imagine you're all thinking get her to the mental hospital! But you'll see.

The berries are all on this tree, all growing and blooming, as are my thoughts, emotions and worries. They grow and grow, become more attached to me. Like a berry on a tree. But sometimes, these berries get blown off, or even pulled off to eat by the bird. This is like when you have a close friend to talk to, a counsellor or even a technique to blow away the thought or emotion and stop it from attaching to you further. There are however, some berries that get missed and left. These berries continue to grow, they can become a problem, as they finally take there toll and die away.  However, by just dying away they are also making room for new berries, new emotions to grow. Somehow, we have to get the bird to eat these berries, or make the wind blow strong enough to let them become unattached. No one person has the same type of berries, not even the same amount. No one person can predict exactly what berries will go and which will stay. No one person has the same type of bird, some people can allow there bird to take more berries than others. Some people can grow and lose there berries much quicker? Who knows? 

I personally don't think you can choose which 'berries' the bird decides to take? It's just luck, and perhaps the fact that some berries are easier to shift through the bird than others. 

My bird, last winter. Taken by me.